Princes Street to become beer garden

Edinburgh Council have today announced proposals to install what is said to be the world’s ‘longest outdoor bar’ in the city. Following the recently-revealed Gehl plan to move eastbound traffic away from Princes Street, the Council acted swiftly to introduce plans for a range of amenities for the newly-created pedestrianised areas. However, in a surprise move, the Council voted to turn the entire available space over to alfresco drinking – focusing on a beer garden running the length of Princes Street. With raised gantries over Hanover and Frederick Streets, pedestrians making their way between the drinking areas have been assured of safe passage – and, crucially, these links mean the bar could be a world-beater.

“We haven’t yet been in contact with representatives from the Guinness Book of World Records,” said a spokesman for Edinburgh Council “but with the bar running unbroken from the Scott Monument to the West End, we believe it could be the longest in the world. We looked at many different ideas for the pedestrianisation of Princes Street – markets, play areas etc – but in the end decided to create a celebration of the most important way of life for Scots – drinking. With the iconic Edinburgh Castle in the background, the idea is a slam-dunk.”

“In fact, iconic is a word that we believe will eventually apply to this project,” he continued. “Edinburgh is set to become an iconic global drinking destination – the ‘New Orleans of the North’. We envisage Mardi Gras-style parades and partying, with themed events throughout the drinking year. For example, why go to Munich when you can come to EDtoberfest? For years, people have pondered the café culture idea for Edinburgh. But, let’s face it, pubs and bars are what we want – who wants to pay £7 for a slice of cake and some fruity tea? That’s why we have George Street.”.

Council transport and environment convener Lesley Hinds was unavailable for comment, citing ‘tram fatigue’ – but First Minister Alec Salmond was described as being ‘boiling with fury’ on hearing of the proposals. However, due to the entire SNP Government legal team being tied up in Strasbourg fighting for minimum pricing, Mr Salmond is apparently unable to mount any kind of legal challenge whatsoever. As to the project, time will tell as to whether shoppers will be tempted by a wide range of Scottish ales and spirits in between popping into Next or Zara, but the Council spokesman seemed to suggest they would:-

“Sure, why not?” he said. “It’ll certainly take people’s attention away from the trams. Which…is…not what this is about at all…in any way. Excuse me. I have urgent…recycling business to attend to.”