Will nobody think of the oldies?

Posted by on Aug 16, 2012 in Editorial | 5 Comments

“Morning Fred! Not seen you for a couple of weeks – where’ve you been?”

“Oh, around Clive, I’ve been around. Trying to find a decent local, other than this one of course.”

“Aye. I heard the Pride of the North closed?”

“Aye Clive, ’bout three weeks ago. Used to be a lovely little place, that. I saw Patsy the other day – she tells me they just weren’t getting the young ‘uns in.”

“Well, we don’t get ’em in here either, do we Fred?”

“No, thank goodness.”

“Did you hear about the Four Tuns?”

“Jack told me it’s now all white and something.”

“Aye. Some Swedish chain bought it. They put Jack’s stool in a skip!”

“He told me that an’ all. Tried to lift it out, but it were weighed down with the old lino.”

“And the Brass Monkey – that turned into something foreign as well. One-eyed Billy went in by mistake, could he find any decent beer there? Could he buggery.”

“Aye, Billy likes his bitter alright. He loved the Monkey – you used to see him leaning ‘gainst the door before they opened it.”

“He tells me the other day they only serve cold beer now, at four quid a pint!”

“Bollocks to that, Clive.”

“You know what Johnny told me this morning?”

“Johnny beard?”

“No, Johnny string belt. He says that the Crossed Swords were re-named the Draught Board. Apparently, they don’t have handpulls or nothing, they write the beers on a giant checkerboard behind the bar!”


“Aye. And when you order a beer, you get to move one o’ the giant draught pieces – if you make it t’tother side and crown it, you get a free beer.”


“Oh, it’s what the kids want, isn’t it. I bet these here bars all play that modern base jungle music.”

“What’s wrong w’peace and quiet, eh?”

“Nothing at all Fred. Nothing at all. ‘Nother mild?”

“Aye Clive. Cheers.”

“One pound eighty, thanks.”


  1. Phil
    August 16, 2012

    Haha, brilliant, I wonder if I’ll be saying that in a few years.

    “Bloody new fangled beer tablets, where’s the fun in that, popping a pill and lying down in a glass tube for four hours”…


  2. Tandleman
    August 16, 2012

    So you are having a pop at the youngsters. About time.

  3. Richard
    August 16, 2012

    “Aye. I hear ol’ Wayne won 200 Euros on the brain scan quiz machine”

  4. Martyn Cornell
    August 16, 2012

    Since, with the beer prices suitably backdated, this could have been written 40 years ago, at the time Chris Hutt’s polemic The Death of the English Pub was composed* (and when today’s oldies were the youngies), your point is what, exactly? That change happens? That older generations and younger generations don’t like the same sort of drinking venues? (They never have.) That entrepreneurs like to cater for expanding market segments rather than declining ones? (They always have.) Personally I’ve been drinking in pubs and bars for more than 45 years, and the British bar/beer scene has never been more exciting, despite (or perhaps, arguably, because of) the closures.

    *Still a great read – buy it here for just 1p http://www.amazon.co.uk/Death-English-Pub-Christopher-Hutt/dp/0099080206

  5. Richard
    August 16, 2012

    I was merely wondering what happens to the other side, Martyn – the fate of the regulars when the pubs I love are created. I’ve always wondered that.

Leave a Reply